How good can the Monkey Spanker be? It’s just a 16 cm long piece of plastic, right?

We’ve reviewed quite a number of toys in our time. The house is full of them. Open a drawer or cupboard and an adult toy is bound to fall out, I kid you not, it’s becoming a real problem. I know, I know we’re not likely to get much sympathy about that sort of problem, but it’s coming up to Christmas and with family coming round we might have to cordon off parts of the house to ensure they don’t discover anything. Hehehe.

The point I’m making is that we’ve seen every conceivable shape, size and sophistication of toy. The Monkey Spanker fits firmly at the uncomplicated and inexpensive end of the toy design scale.

The spanker itself consists of a hard but flexible outer plastic shell housing a silicone rubber insert. The outer provides the required rigidity for the toy and allows the user to manipulate the rubber insert when in use. OK, for manipulate, read masturbate 😛 The design is simple and appears durable. It’s also a breeze to clean, an essential for all sex toys.

Set into the hard outer housing is a recess for the small bullet powered by two LR41 batteries. Two sets are supplied with the Monkey Spanker, always a nice touch when a toy manufacturer includes them I think.

So to the test.

Lube is essential, the nature of the enticingly soft and squidgy insert means without lube it clings to your skin, so using the toy without lube would be guaranteed to cause you injury. I used a standard water based lube.

Laying naked in bed I allowed Suze to ensure I was full erect before attempting to use the Monkey Spanker. She volunteered for the job and I wasn’t about to disappoint her. A few moments twiddling and I was ready for the arduous task of masturbation. Suze dribbled some lube onto my glans and I gently rubbed the Monkey Spanker over and around the head of my cock to spread the lube on my cock and the toy.

Suze had my balls in her hand and her index finger and thumb circling the base to present my erection to the Monkey Spanker. She loves to get involved. I couldn’t wait to push my cock into the tight 12mm opening in the Monkey Spanker’s insert. The texture of the soft plastic, especially when lubed makes you want to stick something in it. I think it’s because all guys have experimented a little when masturbating with things other than their hands in the past and this is like being a kid again, trying to find somewhere naughty to push your excited cock.

And before anyone asks I have not done the warm apple pie thing … no baked goods.

So I began to push the head of my cock through the hole. I hit a snag, the inner diameter of the outer rigid plastic shell is not much bigger than the diameter of my cock. Now I’m no John Holmes, but I did wonder if I’d get stuck. My worries were unfounded as with a little more lube and a leap of faith I found myself gripped firmly in the toy and able to move it up and down my shaft. The construction of the soft insert and formulation of the plastic means your tool is gripped firmly without feeling it’s being constricted. A Perfect and very stimulating balance.

Suze watched avidly as I experimented. For a quickie you can just move the Monkey spanker around your glans and frenulum, up and over, on and off. This is a cheeky little Monkey Spanker wank. I found I wanted to vary the speed and dept of my strokes, pushing the Monkey Spanker down as far as it would go to my groin. This stretches the skin of your cock right back in a very enjoyable way.

Long slow strokes are enjoyable too. In fact I wanted to do all of them at once so the wank took a while as I toyed with myself. Suze was enjoying the show, attending to her own needs while waiting for me to erupt.

When I came it was with a great shuddering orgasm. The combination of naughtiness at pushing my cock into the tight little hole and the excellent design came together perfectly to deliver a great orgasm.

You’ll notice I haven’t mentioned the vibrating bullet. I have to say the bullet is nice, but for the most part it only really comes into play when you’re moving the Monkey Spanker slowly over your cock or holding it still, particularly on your frenulum. There’s certainly a great deal of pleasure to be had just holding it there and teasing yourself. Personally though I found the greatest stimulation and satisfaction from doing what the toy is primarily designed for.

Giving your monkey a good hard spank.

You can buy the Monkey Spanker from

By Alex

Alex reviews sex toys both solo and with his partner Suze, allowing him to give a unique perspective on adult products from a truly authoritative and experienced standpoint.